Just how to Apply For an Academic Job and Also Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Look out for job postings when you look at the write my paper usual places: the Chronicle of advanced schooling, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden within the Vatican library. Pay particular focus on jobs located nearby the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads written in Sumerian cuneiform should go when you look at the “definitely apply” pile. Same goes for any job which provides to pay you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not sure if a job suits you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name for the school 666 times. In the event that mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely from the track that is right.

List every one of the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you will be ready to sacrifice to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it may concern,” throw it into the Dead Sea, and acquire prepared to play the game that is waiting.

Wake up every morning and look the Academic Jobs Wiki. Then check to see if the bathtub is filled up with blood. If it is, congratulations! This implies the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Making use of the Babylonian urn you buried beneath the chair’s office as a portal through the netherworld for this plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will definitely watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, that is an indicator that you have already been offered a job interview (you will also receive a contact relating to this). Okay, it’s time for you to get excited! Pack your bags! (With a large crucifix and several copper daggers!)

Sit down utilizing the search committee.

Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an unknown dialect. This could be the consequence of either demonic possession or a rejected sabbatical application. You should be sure. Show the chair the crucifix that is large copper daggers you brought to you. If he takes among the daggers and carves the words “Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll understand that Pazuzu is going to make the rest of the committee to engage you. With the dagger, he may need more persuading if he tries to stab you. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it’s a school that is secular yelling something about the power of innovation instead). At this point, Pazuzu will either help you get the job or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous black smoke. Regardless, you really need to thank the committee due to their time, go home, and wait for the working job offer/writ of excommunication to arrive in your inbox.

You’ll have 5 years to create a novel, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and take a seat on an endless procession of committees, all while trying to pay your student loans off and continue maintaining the illusion of an individual life. Sorry, but even an demon that is ancient Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest searching for a source that is truly malevolent of instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.